More Than Points

Like most business travelers, I rarely pay attention to the in-flight announcement. Usually, the hum of the engine is like a lullaby – yes, that is sad – and I’m snoozing before take-off.

I can’t say that I’ve memorized every word of the in-flight pre-takeoff annoucement, but I’m confident that I would know what to do if I ever survived a “water landing”. With that said, I’ve never been very keen on my chances.

But what if the in-flight announcement was not just trying to give you a false sense of security? What would the flight attendant really say? Here’s one writer’s take, courtesy of the Economist. If you’d rather not read the entire article, here are a few choice highlights.

On general safety:

At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

On life jackets:

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

On mobile phones:

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft’s navigation systems. At least, that’s what you’ve always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn’t sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

Gotta love it.